She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
