I'm really into asian looking animals
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
