had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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