I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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