I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
