get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
