Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
