Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
