I can tuck mytits in my pants
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
