lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
