I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
