There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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