Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
