dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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