You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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