He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
