Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
