8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
