If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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