wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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