He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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