My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
