did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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