Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
