I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
