2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
