I want to have your abortion
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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