god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
