this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
