I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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