Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
