i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
