singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
