I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
