Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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