I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
