That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
