I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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