My Higher Power is John Stamos
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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