You made eat vitamins until I threw up
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
