So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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