I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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