Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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