I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
