please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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