They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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