life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
