I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
