Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
