It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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