At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
