watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
