I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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