Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
