Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
