There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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